The Dark Art Of Ordering A Coffee

I do enjoy a good coffee. In my uni days I went a little feral and drank far too much caffeine. However, after giving it up completely for a good 6 months, I can now go back to enjoying a nice warm, sugar fueled, cafemochachino drink at a trendy hangout, with the only worry being how to pronounce the bloody drink.

Me panicking out of shot...

Upon arrival at any one of the million coffee places in town, I normally have a quick read of the menu board. I will quickly  find something suitable and wonder how to say it properly. There are several people in the queue, 3 or 4 staff members and a bustling environment full of city dwellers. In other words, a large audience in which to make a fool of myself in front of. The monologue in my head usually goes along the lines of: "Right, so, it is not small, medium or large, but Grande, Tall, or regular. Then how on earth do I pronounce Espresso Con Panna. Wait, isn't that a realy small drink, so can I even have a Grande of that? Is Grande even that big?! Right, say it again, slowly. Espresso. Con. Panna. Please." Before I've had sufficient practice time, it is my time to shine. I inevitably end up saying something like "one medium Espressa Can Ponne, per favore", recieve a blank look, repeat it again and get something completely different to what I intended. Blown it.

Putting my awkward moments aside, a coffee shop is the perfect example to explain to someone what marketing is. It is often assumed I like watching adverts, which is true and that marketing is merely creating them, not true. "Oh, so, Marketing, is that Advertising then?" To which I have to duly agree to, or change subject. Explaining target markets to your dentist isn't exactly the most exhilarating conversation he will have all day.

"I know coffee smells wonderful, but it is almost as if they deliberately channel the aroma out onto the street"

mmm, coffee

A quick visit to Caffe Nero shows exactly what my answer would actually be. First, that smell. It is absolutely captivating, right? I know coffee smells wonderful, but it is almost as if they deliberately channel the aroma all around the store and out onto the street (a tactic I am certain Subway do, the smell is so potent outside their outlets and oh so inviting). An immediate hook, like in a really catchy song. The silly names in part also portray something that is far more classy and civilized than it actually is. A warm brown liquid is not cool, neither is "a mug of coffee love" (said in a strong Yorkshire accent). But a Caramelatte certainly is. Next, the mugs themselves. Oversized, which means two things. One, more room for cheap froth (as opposed to relatively expensive coffee, boosting margins) and differing from a roadside cafe, a greasy spoon or your home, therefore more upmarket.

Not only that, but price is a major factor. By making the drink way more expensive than it by rights should be able to get away with, plus some brown leather sofas, it creates this illusion of sophistication. To quote one of the best slogan's ever used, a coffee shop is Reassuringly Expensive. Add all of those factors together and you get a product that costs on average 20p-60p to make, being bought for upwards of £4/£5. You see, my mind doesn't work like a normal person's. They won't realise most of this. Or they will, but they won't realise it's all extremely clever and well thought out to create an expensive air so they can charge more.

So, in summary it is over-priced, I make a fool of myself and we all enjoy spending time there. That is marketing.